life

04:30 pm - this is sooooo dead

you know what myspace is so much easier!.... www.myspace.com/weekelyupdatewithjordan

12:46 pm - Daddy...

Oh dad... father... whatever it is that I would call you, if you were here.

Do you realize I don't have my father because you decide not to be...

I don't have the chance to be a daddy's girl or a chance to decide to dislike you.

I don't have someone to teach me to fish or hunt or watch sports with or to argue with about all these things.

I can't celebrate father's day.

My children won't have a grandpa that they know from me.

I had to teach myself to ride a bike. And you won't be around to help me learn to drive a car.

I can't even say the word dad out loud because no one is around that would respond.

Why don't you want me?

You take care of my other Sisters I have never met. You take of the wife i know you have.

Why don't you want me? I know you hate my mom for all the pain and heart ache she put you through but you don't know me.

You don't know how at least once a day I am reminded you aren't here. That you never have been.

Do you know both my other siblings know their dads? They met them and see them often.

Do you Know this makes me cry?

How will you ever know if I do something right?

How will you ever know if I do something wrong?

Truth be told I want my dad... a father... another parent.

It isn't that mommy isn't enough it is that I want someone else there too.

I need a dad... someone to be strict where mom isn't Some to care when she is mad.

I know she needs you too... you are the only guy she was ever with that hasn't screwed her over.

Daddy I know you have problems... but I just want a dad to be proud of me... to yell at me... to be my dad

I have one tiny picture of you ... you look like me you know? Everyone says I look like mom...her twin but that is because they have never seen you.

I know noting about you except my mom broke your heart.

It hurts because mom never speaks of you... but i know you loved her and she didn't love you back.

But I can love you... It doesn't matter what she feels

Oh dad I just want a chance, a chance to be your daughter.

Why can't I have it? Why must you send money every month but never come and see what you are buying?

Whould you be ashamed... I hope not..because dad I am yours... you know that right?

Dad, Father, Daddy I just want to have a dad.

12:52 pm - Movies

1> Rocky Horror Picture Show
2> Grease(1)
3> Pirates of the Caribbean (2)
4> Boondock Saints
5> Fight Club
6> Starsky and Hutch(3)
6> Neverending Story(4)
7> Blazing Saddles
8> Airplane!
9> The Princess Bride
10> AnchorMan (5)
11> Napoleon Dynamite
12> Labyrinth (6)
13> Saw (7)
14> Saw II (8)
15> White Noise (8)
16> White Oleander(10)
17> Anger Management (11)
18> 50 First Dates (12)
19> The Princess Diaries (13)
20> The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement (14)
21> Scream (15)
22> Scream 2 (16)
23> Scream 3(17)
24> Scary Movie
25> Scary Movie 2
26> Scary Movie 3 (18)
27> Scary Movie 4
28> American Pie(19)
29> American Pie 2
30> American Wedding
31> American Pie Band Camp(20)
32> Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone (21)
33> Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (22)
34> Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (23)
35> Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (24)
36> Resident Evil I(25)
37> Resident Evil 2
38> The Wedding Singer(26)
39> Little Black Book(27)
40> The Village (28)
41> Lilo & Stitch (29)
42> Finding Nemo (30)
43> Finding Neverland
44> Signs (32)
45> The Grinch (33)
46> Texas Chainsaw Massacre
47> White Chicks(35)
48> Butterfly Effect (36)
49> 13 Going on 30 (37)
50> I, Robot (38)
51> Robots (39)
52> Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story (40)
53> Universal Soldier
54> Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events (41)
55> Along Came Polly
56> Deep Impact
57> KingPin(42)
58> Never Been Kissed(43)
59> Meet The Parents (44)
60> Meet the Fockers (45)
61> Eight Crazy Nights (46)
62> Joe Dirt (47)
63> KING KONG (48)
64> A Cinderella Story (49)
65> The Terminal
66> The Lizzie McGuire Movie (50)
67> Passport to Paris
68> Dumb & Dumber (51)
69> Dumber & Dumberer(52)
70> Final Destination (53)
71> Final Destination 2 (54)
72> Final Destination 3
73> Halloween
74> The Ring(55)
75> The Ring 2
76> Surviving X-MAS(56)
77> Flubber (57)
78> Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
79> Practical Magic(58)
80> Chicago
81> Ghost Ship(59)
82> From Hell(60)
83> Hellboy (61)
84> Secret
85> I Am Sam (62)
86> The Whole Nine Yards
87> The Day After Tomorrow (63)
88> Child's Play
89> Seed of Chucky
90> Bride of Chucky
91> Ten Things I Hate About You (64)
92> Just Married (65)
93> Gothika (66)
94> Nightmare on Elm Street (67)
95> Sixteen Candles (68)
96> Remember the Titans (69)
97> Coach Carter (70)
98> The Grudge (71)
99> The Mask (72)
100> Son Of The Mask
101> Bad Boys 2 (73)
102> Joy Ride
103> Lucky Number Sevin
104> Ocean's Eleven
105> Ocean's Twelve
106> Identity
107> Lone Star
108> Bedazzled(74)
109> Predator I
110> Predator II
111> The Fog
112> Ice Age (75)
113> Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
114> Independence Day (76)
115> Cujo
116> A Bronx Tale
117> Darkness Falls (77)
118> Christine
119> ET (78)
120> Children of the Corn
121> My Boss' Daughter (79)
122> Maid in Manhattan (80)
123> Frailty
124> War of the Worlds (81)
125> Rush Hour (82)
126> Rush Hour 2 (83)
127> Best Bet
128> How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (84)
129> She's All That (85)
130> Calendar Girls
131> Sideways
132> Mars Attacks
133> Event Horizon
134> Ever After (86)
135> Forrest Gump (87)
136> Big Trouble in Little China
137> The Terminator (89)
138> T2 (90)
139> Terminator 3 (91)
140> X-Men (92)
141> X2 (93)
142> X3
143> Spider-Man (94)
144> Spider-Man 2 (95)
145> Sky High
146> Jeepers Creepers
147> Jeepers Creepers 2
148> Catch Me If You Can (96)
149> The Others (97)
150> Freaky Friday (98)
151> Reign of Fire
152> Cruel Intentions
153> Cruel Intentions 2(99)
154> The Hot Chick (100)
155> Shrek (101)
156> Shrek 2 (102)
157> Swimfan
158> Miracle (103)
159> Old School
160> The Notebook(104)
161> K-Pax (105)
162> Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (106)
163> Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (107)
164> Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (108)
165> A Walk to Remember (109)
166> Boogeyman
167> The 40-year-old-virgin (110)
168> Rent
169> Road to Perdition
170> Team America : World Police (111)(un rated uhg! it was horrible)
171> Passion of the Christ
172> Munich
173> The Ringer
174> The Da Vinci Code
175> Poseidon Adventure
176> Garden State
177> One Flew Over the Cukoo's Nest
178> The Big Lebowski
179> Full Metal Jacket
180> Bench Warmers
181> Almost Famous (112)
182> Half Baked
183> Super Troopers (113)
184> Saving Private Ryan (114)
185> The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (115)


If you have 105, you have no life.... 115.... uhg i guess i don't have a life oh well

Current Mood: crazy

06:37 pm - sadness

I am meanless.

Last night somefriends i had came over. I love them so much because though they don't know it they have helped me alot and I really trust them... something I thought i would never do again.

They are great and usually make me laugh but as i watched them ( they are bf and gf) i had this sad, depressing feeling fly over me. Like i see that they find happyness in eachother. Even if they have funny little fights all the time they make up in the next 2 minutes or so. I always see them smiling and hugging and just being at least the littlest bit of happy around eachother.

I still feel this sadness though... maybe it is because i will never find this sort of person that I will make happy. I really just want that. When i hang out with them i feel in the way... the 3rd annoying wheel on a bike that actaully just slows it down.

It makes me depressed to think this. I really hope they don't find me depressing.. I try to stay happy when they are around sometimes i get bitter or sad because of the converstations we get into.. but for the most part i love them for atleast hanging around with me and i try to stay chipper( usually not hard).

It also saddens me because besides them and a couple other people I have been pretty much alone this summer. But they seem like a constant in my life at least this summer. I love when the call just to come over and hang out I truely feel wanted, needed.

But i do feel meaning less around them sometimes ... they are alot older and so much maturer... Usually I can keep up with most of what they talk about but sometimes i get confused... like when they talk of physics...

Plus one is out of highschool the other only has a year so it is like crazy that they even hang out with me....

God i wish i just could feel happy that atleast someone on the world isn't doomed to being alone for the rest of their lives...

And to think next summer both will probaly be gone... for they have lives and I am just someone to spend the time with untill they get out of here...jeez now i am crying i gotta go.......

03:51 pm - uhg yeaH

12:25 pm - Hey hey I am alive...

Lately it seems i can't sleep because my mind just races when i try to sleep. It is like the only time i ever think is when it is midnight and i want to go to sleep. So what did i do? I took some sleeping meds and i went to sleep. It was awsome because i got to sleep like 9 hours without waking up or anything!
The bad part (actually it was a really good part) is I got this really freaky dream that i rember to well.
I know, i talk about my dreams soooooooooo much.
This dream was about none other then POP... who i want to disappear from my life. It is done over get out of my head!
This one was really weird Because we were together in this one... i wasn't chasing after his car for once. But it was crazy because well he spent the night at my house and i spent the night at his house. We did noting there just slept but it was still weird. There was a lot of lovey-dovey crap in the dream. You know huggin kissin ect. A point in my dream i was 6 aganin... this is bad. A pop turned into somebody i wish was dead! But then everything was okay again. It was freaky! More then freaky it was just fucking wrong. Excuse the langue but it was!
I dunno how to discribe the feeling in the dream cause i don't even understand it myself.
But that's me and my dreams.

Current Mood: thoughtful

10:41 am - Cause and Effect

When you do something... another thing always happens always. So when you treat yourself like crapp for nine months that is how you are going to feel... like complete and totall crap right?
I am finally coming out of that. I have been depressed (that is right the real depression) for some time now. I think it started around 5th grade. Actually the fact is i think my life has been one depression after another. It is weird when i look back seeing my slef at age 8 trying to end my life and age 10 again and just a month ago. Or even looking back to age 6 when my true childhood ened. I am not scared of that anymore. I have come to terms with what happend a month before i turned 7 I really have. But it is weirder to see the good things that happened in all that time. Like Brittany or Chase or David or Even Jake. And 6th grade was awsome and then there was SEP and then the Bunny Book Members ...
And then 8th grade. I don't know what to say abot it. I feel happy and sad at the same time. I found some awsome friends and an awsome school. But my best friend i lost and then i lost my trueability to trust ... it had took my more then 6 years to build up my trust after what happened before 1st grade 6years i was quite and no one knew my problems no one . Now i feel the same way. My trust is gone crushed and yet i am not depressed.
I am actually happy because i realized you know what who cares today isn't going to matter in 10 years this is my life i have to stop living in my depression.
I don't want to die anymore... and i am thankful that i didn't when i tried over and over again.
I am so happy to have Audy, Kate, Richard, Heather, and Leslie. i don't know how much i have said to them and whinned to them but they are awsome and i know that!

Current Mood: crazy

10:58 am - Oh well life moves on..hopefully

I knew didn't I!

Things would never work out for me! God Damn why do I have to be fat and ugly HUH? why of why god did you curse me ( actually i guess i cursed my self but it is easy blaming god)

Well god atleast i tried right? Even if i will never ever have someone I tried ( and tried and tried) At least i got asked out twice this year... first guy well he kinda dissapeared after i feel into the ditch and he helped me up and second guy ... well i had to say no. WHAT THE HELL? You would think if i keep trying i would get lucky ( and i kinda hoped this time that would happen) BUT HELL NO !!!!!!!! He said I am not his type meaning... he probaly wants supermodel types with no fat.. and they are beautiful... God i hate myself! I don't regret doing what i did... I mean it was awsome that night and i had some awsome friends to back me up. But i do regret liking him... i regret noticing the stalker stare ( maybe it was only because i was staring at him) I don't even know why i started liking him... we never even talked except that one time in Physco. and we had like a script! I am stupid... I am going to end up an old fat uglyer lady with fish !!!!!!!! Doesn't mean i give up just means i see the future and understand. No one will ever love me because that is impossible... I mean they can love me like a daughter,sister,friend... but noting that i want. I know I know you probaly think...14 stop worring! God if only it were that easy. DAMMIT! DAMN MY SELF>>> DAMN the things i do!!!!!!

Current Mood: okay

10:24 am - I am really crazy

How do I get myself into these things?
So yesterday was really weird

It started out with going to wally world and ended well i dunno exactaly how to describe it.

My ex-step dad had court yesterday ... long story... but he decided not to plead gluity and fight it. but w/e. there was alot of drama with his family coming to my house and what ever.

While he was at court My sister and I were are the libary. I was working with some of the other ROYALS to write a new puppet show for the little kids to be preformed on july 15. But i was writing the script when my phone started vibrating... i tried to answer but my phone died ( it was Richard) but my phone was completely dead so when my mom picked us up we had to run to the store and get a new charger because my old one wasn't working right.

Well anyways Richard and Heather ended up coming over and whatever. Then the fun started happening. We went to Walrus Icecream and my mom bought us all icecream (woot!) but anyway see I know well sorta know this person at walrus. I really like this person and like everyone in my family plus richard and heather know this. Well this person was working (he has a great smile by the way) and the all kept giving me crap...I dunno how long we were there but i kept sneeking glances... everyone said he was doing the same (YEAH RIGHT!!!) well actually i have always thought the same thing but anyway. So we were there forever and my mom and siblings went home. We walked around king suppers (we wanted to go look at video games but it was past nine and all the stores where closed. So anyway eventually richard and heather got me to write a note and tape it to this guy's window ... leaving my phone number

Well they took me home and i went to bed when about i dunno 10:45 i get a call from a number I don't know. It was a girl who was asking "who is this" I freaked and hung up the phone. Finally and hour later i talked myself into texting the number hoping it was a cellphone.

To my surprise it was

they said they had a bill from this number (WTF?)

Anyway the person on the other end said their name was Kyle and they went to Central.

I have now clue if this has anything to do with putting my phone number on that guy's car ( his name isn't Kyle and he doesn't go to Central) or if it is just randome or something. I hope i didn't piss him off or if he has a gf ... hope i didn't piss her off. Or even worse i hope he didn't give my number to someone else to find out exactaly who i was ( i said my name on the note but it was kinda hard to read) For right now i feel like a complete and totall idiot... I want him to call but then again i hope he doesn't... i am so worried Stupid me!

Current Mood: worried

05:39 pm

Poll #750908 Drinks anyone
Open to: All, detailed results viewable to: All, participants: 4

Out of the followin what would you drink on a summer day?

Current Mood: cheerful